You just got served

Hello my dearest bloggy friends,

I would love to recap you on my adventures over the course of the last two years but i'm just going to fast forward and say that I am currently going back to school and I am waitressing on the side to pay for it! That being said, being a server has given me a lot more to write about and although i could go on and on i decided on this day to write a list of the important things you need to remember when you enter a restaurant..... because I said so :)   :

1. Gratuity. This my friends is how i pay my bills. Its actually how most servers pay their bills. Tipshare doesn't occur everywhere and by the way i tip out based on the percentage of total sales, not total tip money! This means that on a $100 meal i need to tip out about $5.00 to the kitchen and to the hostess and the food runner. This may not seem like a lot but when your selling $2000 a night it adds up. So if you don't tip on a $100 bill, i still need to give that $5.00 to the other staff members out of pocket. Now if you can't tip because:

 A.  you cannot afford to: please take your ass to McDonalds. Did you think i was rushing around making sure your meal was perfect because i actually give a shit? NO i can assure you that i absolutely give 0 fuckity fucks how your meal tastes! I am rushing around because its how i make my money! What if i came to your job, made you rush around from 11:00am to 3:00am and then at the end of your shift i said "good job, here's a sticker and $1.00, oh and next time be sure to smile more and i might even give you $2.00" how likely would you be to hit me in the face? probably very likely... unfortunately me punching you in the face is frowned upon by management, so if you can't afford to tip the person waiting on you then go somewhere where no one has to.

On a side note, $1.00 is not a tip. How many items can you put in your fridge for $1.00? how much bubble gum can you get for $1.00. How much coffee can you get for $1.00?? The reason that we have automatic 15% gratuity is because of people who tip $1.00! So the next time your at a restaurant and you think about complaining about your 15% auto grat i want you to silently curse all those $1.00 tippers, i know i already do.

B. The food took too long: This is NOT the servers fault. I cannot control the kitchen. i mean all i can do is apologize, did you want my soul too??? Again, if 30 minutes is too long to wait for your food, please please just go to McDonalds. I could care less if you vow never to come into the restaurant again... actually i would welcome it! please don't come here again! pinky promise to never come here again!

C. Your waitress didn't want to flirt with you and thought you were creepy: seriously, go to McDonalds


2. If its not self seating, don't seat yourself

There's many reasons for this, even if the restaurant looks completely available to you, i assure you it is not. There are designated areas for seating. It allows for us to know who is there and which waitress is assigned to that customer. If you seat yourself.... and then wait for 30 minutes and get no service its probably because no one saw you. Its not because i'm busy flirting with the hotties at the bar, it's not because i'm some airhead that doesn't know she's at work, its because my eyes need to have settled on you in order to fucking see you!

3. Waiting time is based on a few factors, most of which have nothing to do with the poor hostess your leering at. She is not intentionally trying to keep you from eating because she woke up that day and thought "fuck it, no one eats on my watch" be nice to her, for she is the keeper of seats and the goddess of the reservation list... you do not want to make her angry... she will seat you next to the front door in February and tell you all the other spots are taken. Do us and yourselves a favour and wait patiently.


4. If the place is stacked with people, and your server hasn't come to greet you, and your starting to get antsy i want you to ask yourself  a few questions. Ask yourself how long it would take you to get  all the drink and food orders of all the people in that girls section and then add on all the possible roadblocks..... kid spills drink all over the floor, bartenders are taking too long to make the drinks, she's probably been on her feet for longer than you sit on that ass of yours, she needs to carry a tray filled with beers, she's surrounded by patrons who think they own her now. When your done adding all that time up you should get to a number that circles "  probably faster than you could asshole" and you should adjust your attitude accordingly.



So please all of you, go out, enjoy your meals and tip your fucking servers!