Constar's tips for breaking up

A broken heart is a funny thing, it tricks you into believing that the past was better than it actually was or that the future seems bleak now that your old love isn't with you anymore.

I should say that some people never go through this kind of heartache. I know some women, and men, who have this amazing ability to brush off the nostalgia and move passed it and on to the next one.

But for those soft hearts, the ones like mine, here are my rules for breaking up:

1. Don't mix tears and booze. I remember finding myself passed out on my friends lawn chair after a birthday party, my eyes swollen shut and no recollection of how i got there, and then it hit me..... i had cried. Not just to my friends, but to anyone who would listen. Big sloppy tears interspersed with "i just miss him so much" coming out of my drunken mouth. Most embarrassing night of my life? yep! how did i feel when i woke up? worse than being burned by 1000 suns. Booze is a natural depressant and a heart break is the best way to take that booze from kinda sad, to emotional fucking breakdown. if you want to feel better, have some tea.

2. The best way to get over someone is to NOT get under someone else. There is a good chance you'll be like me and end up crying after wards because it wasn't with the guy you love. Maybe the sex was horrible and now you think you'll never have good sex again, or maybe you just realized that no one has a penis like your ex's  penis ....which was of course magical. Sleeping with someone else when your  hearts still broken is the best way to ruin sex and your self-esteem....... and possibly the guys confidence when he looks down at you and sees you with your eyes shut tight trying to separate your heart from your body. Take this time to be with yourself and only yourself, try to figure out who you are without them! Your vagina will thank you.

3. Throw out ALL the evidence, or at least the stuff that meant the most because guess what? it means fuck all now. It's also a great way to release them emotionally. Throwing out the stuff that reminds you of them is the best way to ensure that you don't run into that teddy bear that he won you at the amusement park, or that fake ring he bought you, or those birthday cards that say "love you always baby." Seriously you could get lost in thought trying to figure out how you got from there to here and it won't help, you'll never figure it out. It is what it is and right now it is over, so get rid of the shit. Also, don't keep the sweaters or the sweat pants or whatever other item of clothing you own from him. It won't help mopping around the house wearing his hoodie.... you'll end up drinking all the wine and passing out on the sofa watching the notebook.


4. Make a list of things you always wanted to do, and do them. This helps you to have new experiences that don't include him and also helps you to get to know yourself again. Start with the small stuff, maybe you always wanted to see a live Jazz show in town or you have this super sexy dress you never wore because he thought it was too revealing...... guess what? he's not around to judge you anymore and he's not around to accommodate. Your being given a chance to do things you couldn't do or maybe didn't have the time. I put going to Europe by myself on my list. It was bold but you know what? being somewhere new and getting to have an experience that I would love and he would have hated, put more space between the person i was and the one i wanted to be again. It gave me back some of my confidence, It opened me back up to being curious instead of cynical! I recommend it to anyone who has the means.

5. Back straight, head up, smile. This is the line i would tell myself whenever i started to feel that sick feeling in my gut. The one you get first thing in the morning, or when you hear his name, or when you pass that little coffee shop you used to meet at. Sometimes it felt like I couldn't breath, the pain in my chest hurt that much. So when i felt my back curling in towards my stomach, and my head hanging low to my feet i would think, "No bitch, not today" and i would straighten my back, lift my head up and smile.... even when i didn't want to, even when i felt like i couldn't smile without my lips shaking, i did it anyway. Maybe you'll find that you need to do this constantly throughout the day at first but over time, as you heal, it'll get easier and soon you won't have to tell yourself to smile anymore.

6. Music. Music saved my life. I downloaded about 300 songs when i was going through my break-up, it was a way to express myself or pump myself up for the day ahead. It kept my mind busy and my legs moving, it soothed the soul.  I recommend the Eagles, Nora Jones, Erykah Badu, Elton John Lauryn Hill, Sam Cooke and sprinkle a little Cher or Beyonce in there for diva strength. When your cooking or cleaning, because i know that's when i do the most over thinking, try the Gypsy Kings. The hips can't resist a little Spanish guitar.

7. Stay off of social media. Don't post your feelings on Facebook, don't try getting his attention with a new profile picture, don't creep his new girlfriend on Instagram. Just don't. I know it may feel like the memories are all you have left and you just want to know how he's doing, but you need to fight that urge. You won't know how he feels by seeing him on a beach in Mexico with her, you won't feel at ease to see him smiling with his friends at the bar. Sure maybe he does miss you, maybe he thinks about you sometimes, but he's not going to put clues of that in his feed so there's no point in ripping your heart out repeatedly that way. Your only hurting yourself and staying stuck in the cycle of the break up itself. Let him move on, his stages of grief are no longer linked to you, you don't need to worry about where he is or how he is anymore, let the new girl take that mess on. The only person you need to care about at this stage is yourself.

8. Write it down. If you feel like you absolutely must text or call him, write him a letter instead.  Spill your heart out on the page. In my creative writing class we used to start each class off by writing free hand anything that came to mind. It was meant to clear our minds and warm up the creative bones. It works wonders when you have a lot to say and no one to say it to also. Maybe you've officially driven your friends crazy with the stories of what you and your ex used to do together, or how angry you are at them. Give your girls a break and write it out instead, and when your done writing rip out the page and throw it out.... burn it if it'll make you feel better! imagine all the words you put on the page leaving your body like negative energy and then dispose of it so it's no longer inside of you! Free yourself from them!

9. Stay positive. If nothing else try to remember that the sun will rise tomorrow and the world will keep on spinning, and sooner or later you won't mark the days with how long its been since you've seen them. It'll just be a regular Tuesday, and the coffee shop will just be a coffee shop, and you'll run into that teddy bear that he gave you and you'll think "where did i get this again?" It may seem impossible and first but i promise you, like 110% promise you, this too shall pass.