Palmolive still scares me

   You guys may have noticed that i have a swearing problem, but i think i can explain it.

When i was a kid  i was prone to asking questions about things i shouldn't have been wondering about yet. I asked my mom what a blow job was, i  asked a teacher where the word fuck originated, i asked why people had accents, i even remember asking what made the pope so special. Sometimes my questions made people uncomfortable, except for my step mom.

She was like my living encyclopedia filled to the seams with information, and  i never got in trouble for wanting to know something i shouldn't know yet. She answered all of my questions while making me promise not to tell anyone that she was the bearer of the information. My mom and dad wanted to ensure that i stayed a child forever, and that i was blind to certain knowledge until i was in least 18. My step mom knew that keeping information from me only meant that i was going to take my questions elsewhere,  and most likely get the wrong answer.

So one day when i heard a grade 8 girl calling another grade 8 girl a bitch i waltzed up to my step mom and asked her what a bitch was. I got this answer: a bitch is actually a female dog, but someone calls a girl a bitch when she is acting rude or  being mean.

She did not mention that i wasn't allowed to use the word. A few days later my mom was in one of her moods, so  i walked up to her and said, " mom your acting like a bitch today"

Mom: " WHAT did you just call me!?"

Me:  A bitch is what you call a women when shes acting rude and no offence or anything but your being really rude today, so your acting like a bitch"

Now i figured that i made a good argument, if my step moms definition was correct, so was my statement, and you can't get mad at someone for telling the truth right?

Ya my mom didn't see it like that, my argument for saying the word didn't seem to matter. All she saw was her 6 year old daughter standing in front of her swearing. She started giving me the crazy eye. You haven't seen crazy until my 5 foot nothing mother gives you the crazy eye.

He response to the word was to wash out my mouth with Palmolive. I'll never forget it, she grabbed me and brought me over to the sink and told me that if i felt that i was brave enough to use dirty language then i was old enough to handle washing out my mouth afterwards.

That wasn't the last time i used it though, but every time, even if i thought i was out of earshot, there was my mother with the Palmolive.  I tried asking her why i wasn't allowed to swear, what was so wrong with these words?! shit was just poop right? so why could i say poop and not say shit if they meant the same thing? or what about ass? ass was just a butt, so why could i say my butt hurt but not my ass hurt? same difference!

My parents couldn't answer these questions, my dad just told me it wasn't lady like, well what the hell was a lady allowed to do then! a lady couldn't swear, burp, fart, fight, or even play hockey according to him. Seemed to me i got a raw deal!

I think their lack of a good enough answer only fueled my need  to swear whenever i wanted. I still get a little high when i do it, i feel bad ass like every time i swear I'm saying,  HEY MA :   FUCK  SHIT ASS ha! catch me now, I'm on a roll!  i think I'm even going to fart RIGHT NOW, really loud too! ya you aren't gonna make a lady outta me, no way no how!!

So the other day, me and Tasha go into a restaurant and the hostess takes us to our seat, she says " oh sorry guys you asked for a booth didn't you?" My response, " fuck it, this is good"

The lady looked startled, Tasha looked embarrassed, and i realized that my swearing makes people think I'm unstable, a little rough around the edges even. I mean why would the hostess look so startled to hear the word fuck, it was Montana's not a four star restaurant, but she jumped a little at the word. It occurred to me that you guys may be a little startled to read the word too then! so i apologize.

Blame it on the Palmolive or on my rebellion against being a lady, whatever it is, being allowed to say the word fuck without a mouthful of Palmolive coming my way is like freedom to me. So let me have my freedom! don't be startled kay?