Stream of consioucness at 4 am..... I.E. spelling errors and complaints.

Its 4am Toronto time. I have been up all night, mostly because i probably have that syndrome that stops people from sleeping. I know theres a medical term for it that i could probably google but its 4 am for shits sake, so im just going to call it can't-sleep-syndrome. Are the hyphens suppose to be there? ahh whatever whose grading this? NO ONE that who!

I haven't been able to sleep for some time. It was a gradual progression, like the time i went to bed at just got later and later until finally its 4am toronto time and i have been up all night reading. 

Anywho, still no job i am here to inform you, although truthfully i haven't been whole heartedly looking, but dont tell my dad that! no seriously i have been too busy feeling sorry for myself. So in lieu of that i thought today i would wake up, send out a few resumes, make a few calls, get an oil change, start reading a new romance novel, because nothing boosts my spirits more then raunchy sex scenes and happy endings... that and chocolait, i fucking love chocolait.

But let me tell you how the day actually went, i woke up to excuriating pain and a murder scene, i.e. my period.  i went downstairs to find my step dad ranting and raving about how i need to move my car so he can get out to go to work.... but the car wont start, when i finally get the car moving i go to Chapters (thats right, not the mechanic because im still jobless and whatver the mechanic is going to say, personally i dont want to know )

i get myself what i believe is going to be the sweetest romance novel ever, i read it in my car to avoid people because the one thing i hate more then men once a month is people in general.... people talk, i find this to be a horrible problem .... no one should be subjected to my wrath when im like this so i tend to hide out in my car in parking lots and read.... dont judge me. Anyway, i read this damn book all the way through to the end in one swoop and guess what? it wasnt a beautiful romantic story, oh no sir it was not! what it was was some ass hole trying to be all real and ironic and shit, like " aww ya the couple finally gets married after being flirty friends  for 20 years because the guy finally realizes  he was in love with her this whole time, and now she wants a baby and their marriage is perfect and their SO in love, they have finally found peace when OOPS she gets hit by a car and DIES! you know why? because thats life bitch!"  i hate the writer of this book. Seriously sometimes it would be nice if, yes, the two main characters rode off in to the sunset together! can you just give me A FUCKING SUNSET DUDE! who lets the main character get hit by a fucking CAR after i spent 424 pages waiting for these two to finally hook up? this guy must be cold inside! seriously cold!

Now you may be thinking to yourself... shit connie get your ass in gear and stop feeling sorry for yourself! and to that i say " i wish i could" but i cant. \No really i actuially cant, because everytime i attempt it i realize i have no idea what it is i even WANT to do, one minute i want to travel the world because life is too short and we need to live it too the fullest. The next im telling myself to stop being a moron and just get a job like normal people.

point is this, everytime i start out to make some decision i am reminded of my parents reprimanding me. In essence, according to them, i have failed before i have even started because i haven't done HALF the things they were doing at my age. According to them, and i repeat verbatim " at your age i had a mortage and two kids, a full time job, i was independant! the thing with kids in your generation is that your so entitled. You believe your entitled to it all without working for it!" and what makes it worse is that when i hear this i feel like im behind.... like a was held back a grade or something because i cant compete with THAT.

My argument is always the same: " ya and then 10 years later you were divorced and on the verge of living on the streets with a new marriage and another kid on the way..... you know your right.... thats exactly the route i should take. SHIT why didnt i think of that, poor and divorced.." fits well with my woe is me attitude right now though huh? i mean think of all i shit i could complain about THEN!?

But my parents are right in a way.... i am a bit behind them and no doubt they were braver then me. No way i could leave home right now with a bit of money in my pocket and try and start a life with someone im not a 100% sure i even like. I also agree with them on something else, i am entitled. I feel entitled to time!

Not just to procrastinate but to figure out what i want, the way i see it ive got a month worth of savings and im entitled to that month.... i am also entitled to a fucking happy ending... douchebage writer and his "real life" endings! thats why guys shouldn't write romance novels... they dont fucking get it! I dont want real and gritty and raw in my romance novels.... i want mushyness, and tenderness, and love and a fucking SUNSET!


my moms alarm clock just went off and im starting to ramble...
till next time, these are the days of insomnia,,, HA! THATS the fucking word insomnia. How could i forget that? okay no seriously im going now! have a nice day peeps.