Blackout

People have always said that i have an angel looking out for me.

Some people call me a dreamer, others an air head, but i rather call myself selectively present. Whenever I'm uncomfortable or doing something id rather not be doing i just shut off, power down. My brain cooks up some alternate reality and i find myself stuck in an endless loop of scenarios, what ifs, endings to circumstances that haven't happened yet.

 I blame this on the few years my parent were actually together... the only way to convince my little brother that everything was fine, while my mom threw various swear words and sometimes a vase, was to pretend for him that we weren't actually there.... so id tune it out... shut it down... brain turns to something else. As i got older  i started doing it out of habit.... id just wander out don't mind me guys I'm not actually here.

But cars don't just stop because i walk into the road, and walls don't just move when i don't see them. Ive had many people save my life from oncoming traffic, near misses, sketchy alleyways.  So most tell me I'm lucky  because at this rate, i should have probably died sometime after i learned how to walk.


Every time i think about how fortunate i am that God has given me another day to fra-la-la through life, i remember the blackout in 2003. It was hot outside,  the kind of hot you feel pressing down on you,  a thick wool blanket over your face. The AC inside is always too cold on days like that so you have two options.. freeze or burn... kind of like my new shower controls at home.

Me and my friend were in a debate of whether to do swimming or shopping * sigh being 16* Swimming would mean going to the local pool which gets shut down every hour or so due to floating feces... so we skipped that and took the subway like big girls to the mall.

I used to have pretty sticky fingers... i was 16 and  i got some thrill from taking what wasn't mine, bragging about my fearlessness and believing that this somehow gave me a new mystery... something dark that meant the well went deeper then you thought. So i go into American Eagle and i pick up a few belts, go into the dressing room and put them on under my shirt, took a deep breath and went out into the store.

 I was bidding my time looking at other items, i looked for secret shoppers,  innocent looking grandmas that may be eyeballing me. Then i started for the exit, act natural, breath breath, almost there... wait.... didnt one of these have a security tag on it... scratch your stomaacchhhhh SHIT shit shit shit, im screwed  i shut my eyes tight hoping some excuse i could give the store manager would come through the fog of crisis.

Nothing. No sound.... it was like my heart hit the floor, boomeranged and went right up over my head. I turned around and there was a mob coming for me... What the fuck?  security was escorting people out of the mall, the bank was bringing the gates down over the ATMs.... so my first thought, being the fatalist that i am, is Armageddon... we are all going to die.... the government didn't want to tell us to avoid mania in the streets but now people have looked up and seen whats coming for them.... panic has arisen and looting will begin.... should i go back into the store and a get a tank top?

That's when i heard snippets of conversation " something about a blackout?" or "ya apparently the subways not working" the exits were lined with people, all i could think as i got lost in the crowd was "God wanted me to have this belt... I'm awesome... I'm fucking awesome"

Later that night everyone in the neighbourhood was out on the streets walking.... people sat on front porches smoking cigarettes and drinking beers.... the stars were out in full attendance, the most beautiful light show... the air cooled enough to be enjoyable and a breeze swept over your arms making you feel welcome... candles flickered in the windows, the streets filled with the sound of echoing conversations.

It  felt inhabited.... people were actually looking at you, talking to you, telling you where they were when the tv/computer/lights/endless-supply- of -information-coma stopped.  I sat there talking to neighbours i didn't know i had. I wanted to burst with my little secret " well i was actually just about to get caught shoplifting when BAM the power shuts off! can you believe that!! what are the chances"

but instead i told them something a little less judgement provoking "oh you know, just shopping" while i held a flashlight and tried to take the security tag off my brand new belt.

Just to let you know i never did get that thing off ... and im pretty sure i never got to wear the belt due to that.... but at least my parents never caught me, because that would have been another near death experience i don't think i would have missed.