This past year i went through a lot of changes, one being the major and often disfunctional back and forth, toxic, sucks the soul right out of you but feels so good, kinda-relationship i was in finally and completely ended. Considering the constant drama i recieved and provided into this relationship im suprised that the end wasnt an explosion that people could see from the sky, instead it was just a little fizzle out.... so silent it hardly creaked when it exited over the floor of our bubble.
So i went through a sort of purging, and decided that i should have a book to help guide me. Embarrassment kept me hiding the book like a pregnancy test, careful for no one to read the cover "its called a break up because its broken" which by the way no fucking kidding its broken, you know what else is broken? my god damn heart... who gives a shit about the relationship just fix the hole the fucker left when he ripped the personality out of me!!
So i read the book, looking through pages for a formula. But they never gave me anything tangible, i mean "dont call him, if he wanted to talk he'd call you" i dont want to call him, theres nothing to say!!! or "even if he calls you, it may just be because he feels guilty for the break up" oh thank you, so your saying that he may pity me? PERFECT i pity HIM for letting such a smart, independant, beautiful, classy, witty, loveable, talented and strong woman slip through his fingers, and one day when hes busy motor boating a paid escorts titties it'll click, but itll be too late, he'll be a pathetic pothead with a receding hair line, who cant get his shit together because hes never had to work for anything a day in his life........ and ill be me i.e. awesome! sorry..... i bitterly digress...
Point:
Clearly this book was of no help... but this morning i felt clean and happy and new... my first thought wasnt of his face it was of what i would wear that day... my last thought before bed wasnt his hands all over me, it was about what i was going to make for dinner. This happenend because i followed my own formula...
So screw this book, let me tell you the steps to breaking up the right way... i like to call this list "how to get your soul back after a soul sucking, sex addicted, druggie with serious commitment issues has taken it with him to hell" (the titles still a work in progress)
1. Delete all social networking sites, this is a requirement. You will stalk your ex as all girls do, and if you say you dont then you are probably doing it in secret at 3am and pretending it never happened. By deleting all social networking sites you make it just a little too much work to stalk the guy... if your as lazy as i am youll give up and watch Grey's.
If you do stalk your ex youll probably see him smiling for the cameras (everyone smiles for the camera)... doing things with his new love he would never do for you (slut)... partying with a shaved face (he never shaves) wearing a shirt you bought him for christmas ( should have burned it on the way out). Instead just decide that all this is probably happening and that nothing will be gained by having THAT photo montage running through your head.
2. Change your number and your e-mail address. NOTHING is worse (ok maybe starvation and death... and cancer but other then that) NOTHING is worse then the moment of hope you feel when your phone vibrates, and then the instant sadness when the caller ID reads "MOM" . You dont need that!! If you change your contact info you dont have to wonder if its him everytime the phone rings, because its definatly not!!! if you dont wanna feel like youve been sucker punched when his phone number lights up your phone, well then you dont have to!! Changing you number is like putting the situation into your own hands...
3. Buy wine.
4. Buy more wine.
5. Drink all the wine and watch scary brain fuck type movies. DONT WATCH THE NOTEBOOK. Its tempting i know, because your hearts hurting and it wants to watch something that will make it feel all sunshine and rainbows again. But watching a sexy man tell a long lost love that it was never over, will make you hope that maybe its still not over for you, and even those ten minutes of hope will lead to more minutes of crying and then fb stalking and then tequila and drunk dialing. A drama or action movie will re-inforce anger, you'll watch people shooting things and think " yaaa... that feels better... look at those men and their guns.... MEN RUIN EVERYTHING... we should have a strike against penis"
6. Steer clear of songs that remind you of him . Try to get outside yourself if you find your not able to change the station... how would it look like to you 5 years from now, to watch the present you blubbering in your car listening to celine dion? dry your eyes and go listen to Kesha... she'll make you angry again, as her voice and lyrics instill rage to all those who know what music is suppose to sound like.
7. Do your nails, pluck your eyebrows, use the lotions you got for christmas, wash your hair, put on the make-up, flirt. Nothing makes a girl feel more like a woman then making herself feel desirable... but do not have sex with random guys in a drunken haze because you miss his penis... trust me on this.... you will be suprisingly dissapointed.
8. Eat all the carbs... carbs are happy foods thats just a fact. Another fact is that they taste amazing and while your biting into that big mack you can say to yourself " wow this burger tastes like a little piece of heaven it also tastes a lot better then morning head... which you would give to your ex on a saturday morning becuase you felt like a prude or a bad girlfriend by not doing it...nothings worse then morning breath spit on a penis (ew) ... you know whats better? burgers and not giving a fuck!"
9. Everytime you look at something and think " i remember when" pinch yourself... think of something disgusting like rotted grapes or old men naked. Then whenever you see something that reminds you of him youll think "ahhhhhhhhh" instead of "awww"
10. Talk to your friends, especially the ones in relationships, they will tell you their drama.. about the girl at the party checking out her man, or the phone calls on his phone to a random number that lasted 18minutes and now they have to call it private to find out who it was, or how he forgot their birthday ect. and you can have the sweet satisfaction of not remembering what that feels like!
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