My new years resolution is this

My brain is my own worst enemy. Its like a disorder,  maybe it hasnt been founded by doctors yet, maybe even if  doctors could hear about this self diagnosis they would think i wasnt in the know somehow.... that i didnt know this is just the way of life, especially the female life. Something about being a female makes us genetically disposed to being mean to ourselves. To over analyzing and obsessing, to thinking too much about too little.

Sometimes i find myself hateful... and my responses to my own mind just kind of pop out of my mouth, i look around wondering if anyone heard me talking to myself, and then i wonder "does that make me crazy?" We talk to ourselves in our head all day long, so what about saying it outloud makes you crazy... is the only time we can open our mouths and let words flow is when someone else, another person who doesnt  know how your feeling is there to listen and then respond back? what if we dont need a response? is that what a diary is for? for people who just need to talk when theres no response required?

 My inner dialogue is often cruel and sometimes it renders me speechless:

" i should flirt with that guy, hes cute" *no you shouldnt, he's going to think your a moron, and actually your trying way to hard... why do you keep smiling like that. omg you actually just smiled at him like that? whats wrong with you? everyones going to think your an attention whore!! or just a plain whore actually... and that guy is going to think you want to get it in... and he'll pity you because your a loser.

" OMG i love this Celion Dion song" * of course you do, because your depressing, and want people to feel sorry for your lonley ass. It also reminds you of your ex boyfriend, which makes them feel even more sorry for you, you probably thought people would laugh at that sentence because you think its funny... but no one else thinks like you, and their laughing to make you feel better, because they feel sorry for you... and dont understand you at all.... are you laughing by yourself? whats wrong with you.


" Oh god i dont feel like talking to anyone today so im just going to smile and wave and just go have my smoke in the corner" *wow nice job, you probably look so awkward just standing there by yourself.. people are going to think your rude... their going to think your a snobby bitch and really can you afford to be a snob? your ugly... hot people get to be snobs.  you make people feel uncomfortable... so maybe you should just stand there by yourself.



I wonder sometimes if its just me. I want to call a friend to talk about this mindless self abuse, but its more embarassing to admit it outloud, like looking up and saying "holy shit the skys blue". People deal with this self dialogue everyday. Friends  talk with eachother to discount this bully in their minds. Like minded people stick it out together and find solace in the knowledge that there is someone else out there who understands, who will smile at them when they need a smile and who will tell them that they are loved when they feel that mindless chatter is too much to handle. This is what we do for eachother, the small gifts.

I would like to blame these issues on my parents or on my upbringing. On the media or on the assholes i've let into my life who filled my mind with negativity... who suprised me by saying "no thats not who you really are.. here this is you... i put it in a box and wrapped it carefully so youd see its a gift that i say these things. Its a gift that i acknowlged your flaws for you." But its not them.. its not the "other" with you everyday.. its you who brings the other along.

We paint over the old bricks, the foundations that our parents put into place the "i love yous" and the "your smart and beautiful"s that our mother said to us, that our father taught us, with the words of those who only see smoke in mirrors. We have masked that inner dialogue with the voices of those people who dislike us, and it becomes our ego. Our past and our present tense. We go over ourselves with a fine toothed comb in moments, in seconds, and always find something to berate ourselves for. We find our hair dull, our boyfriend unloving, our family cruel, our past embarassing, our present wanting and our future a joke.

 In seconds, even though it took years to complete all that you have, it only takes a moment in the mirror, a silent second in the car, a song on the radio, a wave to someone across the hall, a wrongly worded e-mail, a flirtatious encounter at a bar.... seconds to find a mutlitude of reasons why you are not loved.

So for next year... no  matter what i feel about myself, my resolution will be to love others unconditionally so that they know that they are good and beautiful and that i love them, and so that i know that i am capable of loving myself.