My better half is my left side, thanks

When i was in grade school i would play this game where id  pick a year sometime in the future and calculate how old id be,  then id  imagine what id be doing that year, who id be, what i would look like.  I kept snapshots of these predictions in my mind  so that i could compare true life to my daydreams. Every time a year clicks by that i have a  snapshot for i take notice of it. Mostly i laugh at how far off i was, sometimes i fear how far off ive gone.


 When i pictured 2013, my 26th year, i pictured me being beautiful, smart, rich, i pictured a husband. I wouldnt think of the dress or the wedding itself, but life with another person, the day in and day out of it. How would we handle one of our kids sneaking out, how would he handle me at my worst. Would he have my back, or would he need my shoulder more than i did his. Would he remember every anniversary or would he have to be reminded what color roses i liked. Id picture his looks, sometimes he had green eyes, sometimes brown. I pictured our house with a massive library, volumes of books to get lost in. I pictured lunches and weddings. I pictured passion and babies.... i definatley pictured babies.

Of course if you read my blog youd know none of the above has come to fruition. I have dated babies, but havent had any.  I have had passion and i've had plain-under-valued nice, but beneath my seemingly blasse attitude ive had plans, ive had expectations. There were circumstances where i felt the inner child inside me say " yes this is what i thought it be like" and there are times where that inner child is out in public, in the middle of the day, ugly crying  "no! this isnt part of the plan!"


One of those expectations  was to have a family, i hadnt noticed until recently that i had a longing for that, and just as quickly as the thought came i brushed it off as a meaningless item on the list, i really didnt need it, its too expensive anyway.

 The other day i found myself making a comment about the possibility of not having the kind of life i thought was more a matter of fate then a choice of course... the one of marriage and babies,  immortality through the miracle of procreation.  I used to think that meant something was wrong with you. I used to think not being part of another half meant you hadnt grown up completely. People say "you will find it when your ready" meaning what? that you grow into a half, and then your ready to find the rest of you? what if im already a full circle, a complete set, this is it in the series, theres only the one book... no sequel people sorry.


I hadnt realized that everyone had been playing the same game as me until the questions started poping out like suker punches, "so connie, wheres the man in your life" or " your next"*wink, wink*  like everyone had the same alarm clock go off but im the only one who thought it was wise to hit  the snooze button. Everyone seems to believe its what you should want, that its like another step, something thats just assumed... a person for everyone... a fish for every hungry hunter... i dont.

I think that there are people who have bad things happen to them and people who dont. In this way i also believe there are people who are born to be part of a unit and those who are meant to wander, staring at their thoughts like a photo album, dissecting themselves endlessly, floating through but not sticking. I believe there are people who are meant to take their path with another, intimatley and for life. 

I believe that my path will be filled with flutters and shadows, of ghosts and wise words that echo. I believe that my life will have love in it as it already does, but i no longer believe that i am meant to walk that path with someone else. I think that some people are born to be half of a whole, and others were born with the other half inside them.

Im a whole... im a completed set....  i am the twosome. I wish it was possible though to wear a sign that read: im not next, im my own special someone, and my better half is my left side, thanks.