porno and emotions

I think there needs to be more listeners.

I dont mean those people who hear you and turn everything you've said into a story about themselves in an eager attempt to understand you, i mean actual listeners.

Last night i went to a work christmas party..... i had too much to drink and tried to blame my inability to stand straight for more then 5 minutes on my shoes... seemed to fool no one. I left around 9pm and stumbled my way into a cab. This morning i unlocked my precious iphone to check for the text im pretty sure i sent my sister last night when lo and behold i notice that i typed in my ex's number with a *67 at the beginning (you know, so he wouldnt know it was me who called and hung up after he said hello... its finally happening... im loosing it)  but thankfully, somewhere in the soft blanket of alcohol, i had a moment of clarity, and did not press send.

Ive been avoiding social media, using his name, blogging about it... but the one evil that almost broke me was a red merlot. I dont want to speak to him or know how he is... i dont care to understand the many sides of his obvious bi polar disorder.... his shades of grey... he can keep that shit to himself, were all full up on crazy here and im over it.

I dont want to see pictures of him canoodling with every girl that gives him that funny feeling in his pants. I dont want him to change for me, i dont want him at all. I want him to stay far away. So why is it that 3 glasses of wine in, im ready to to hike up my skirt and let him into my wonderland.

Horny? sure i am, i havent had sex in 4 months.... someone says the word "yes" and im imagining those words comming out of my mouth while he-who-shall-not-be-named is doing incredible things to my naughty places..... *sigh* he is very talented.... with his heart in his ass and his dick on his sleeve... but talented.

I should become a nun, clearly my vagina is working against me. Ive tried the sex with other guys thing... i dated some guy i was hardly interested in for 6 months!! just because i figured after a while id develop something, if anything at least i could manage indifference to the icing over of my warmth for humans.

it was not the same. I need to be in love for that union to make me feel anything. As stupid as that sounds its my one "thing"even if its not the "in thing." ive tried it before, the whole "hey i just met you, and this crazy, but your kinda sexy, fuck me maybe?" thing, but  I just cant enjoy it unless there are feeling there... and i feel like ive been carved out of that paticular commodity.... we seem to be out of stock, come again later we may be getting a fresh order of fucks to give.

 I know... this is getting kinda depressing,  it just feels like a fact at this point of my rehabilitation from being his little bitch. I dont talk about it because i dont want to hear what i already know. Im sure that after a while and over the years i will gain back some semblance of love, and ill remember how to give it.  I will be filled back up like a deflated air matress.

ive won some of my pride back and i havent allowed even 1 tear to come out of my eyeballs for him... not even one. There have been times when they wanted to... but i sucked it up, i breathed in deep, blinked quickly, and sucked it up! but a few glasses of wine later im right back in that place... where i need him.... where i miss him.. where i remember what he feels like... how his shoulder is the softest part of his body and how his birth mark is on his ass, probably because he is an ass ( some pride was actually lost writing that sentence... and some of my lunch too)

But after i opened my phone this morning and remembered how badly i wanted to be with him last night, it just made me... sad. Thats the best word for it, just simple, dragging feet, frowning, cold rainy day sad.
but i had to write it.