Oh normal.... how ive missed you and yet have no idea what to do with you.

IMMMM BAACCKKKK '

i know, i know, you missed me didn't you?

So.... ive been away for a while. I have been working like a bunny mates, non stop!

im actually at work now trying to write this post to you guys, my boss isn't in so im semi-free to type this.

Now..... where to begin.. ahhhh yes where i left off i guess... i am still not speaking to my dad.
let me explain somethings about me and my dad.

We both deal with anger the same way.... unfortunatly. We both go into a conversation with the same mentality "we are right" and if you try and argue a point that we hold to be true, we don't try and prove our point through discussion... we freak out. We  will try and make you  agree with us by raising our voices, getting in your face about it.. intimidation, guilt, accusations. And if we are wrong, which hardley ever happens, we are way to embarrassed to call ourselves out on it and apologize.... its the pride that stops us from being the bigger person.

Okay now heres the difference between me and my dad, i know all of this to be true about myself and see it as a cause for change, he on the other hand has no idea he's doing it, and its infuriating!

Another thing about the man is this, he grew up in a household with old school rules and regulations. His parents were always right! My Nonna could tell my dad that the sky was green and he would have to go along with it out of respect.  He has never spoken back to her and in the same respect she has never apologized for anything she has said or done to him... and trust me, my grandmother was not the nicest lady, and a lot of the times she was dead wrong. lets just say there was an incident with a high heel shoe that sent my dad to the hospital  when he was 7.... she will never admit to it, and my dad will never have a right to be upset about it.

Therefore, double whammy!  not only is it not in his nature to admit that he freaked out, but because im the kid and he's the parent i cant even expect him to admit he was wrong !!! To him even my expectation of an apology  makes me entitled, righteous, a horrible example of what a daughter should be and therefore a perfect example of the new generation... disrespectful and inconsiderate.

Apparently im suppose to take the verbal abuse and criticism with humour and use it as a story to tell around the dinner table, and everyone will laugh and say that their parents are just as crazy as mine are and we will all joke about our childhood.

Ill tell the story of when my brother was 4 and he broke the garage door opener one time too many,  so my dad smacked him around while dragging him up a staircase.  Or the time i got car sick when i was 7,  and threw up in my dads new 4x4 and i got a smack because my dad thought i got car sick on purpose to piss him off.

Ya its funny right?

arent we just so European?

ha ha ha

no my dad wasn't abusive, it only took a few smacks for us to know not to fuck with him. But i'm sick and tired of him thinking that he has scared me into keeping my mouth shut.

I have had enough! i may be being cruel right now because i have been told by my younger sister that he is very hurt by my silence but in my defense he has yet to call me! and yes i know that i cant change him, he is who he is at this point, and his parenting skills are not his fault entirely, he learned to use fear as a control mechanism from his mother, and my grandmother learned it from her parents and so on and so forth.

He will attempt to scare the shit out of you to get his way and i do the same thing. Maybe i don't use violence but i use the fear of violence, i use guilt and i feel like shit afterward, regardless of if i got what i wanted or not.

But if i have had to grow the fuck up, if i have had to learn the right way and the wrong way to talk to people and i have had to be the bigger person on more then one occasion  regardless of how much it hurt my pride to do so,  well you know what... its his turn!

I know its painful for him because its painful for me, i know he doesnt want to deal with it because its always easier to stick your head in the sand, or yell and scream, then talk about it. But im not handing out easy ways out!!!

Im 23 years old, i'm a woman, an adult, if he wants to talk to me like an adult he knows my number. Until then......