The sibling survival guide

* please note that this post is directed towards the ladies, as i'm not sure what it feels like to be the oldest male in the family and wasn't sure how to make this a unisex post,i apologize to my male readers but would like to promise them that they will still have a good chuckle if they read on, and would like to apologize in advance for talking about changing tampons on number 7, ill try to never do that again.......... try being the key word there.*

I am by no means an expert on big families. As we have all seen via  The Duggars,  who allow us to watch  in shock and awe as they continue to procreate for love and joy (or maybe its to build an army to take over the world, one  long denim skirt at a time) having 5 siblings should be a cake walk.

 But its still  a battlefield in there. Everyday is a fight  for food,  clothes, and the remote control. Its survival of the fittest guys!

How do you make it out alive and with a minimal amount of psychological issues? read on dear follower, as i will now impart my wisdom onto you.




1. Boobie trap your room: Siblings have a tendency to believe that your room is also their room. Your room has everything their room doesn't.  It has the shampoo they forgot to buy, its hiding the last toilet paper, it may even harbor the.best.shirt.ever.  which they have been dying to wear since you got it.  But if they get it, are probably going to spill shit all over it, and then panic and hide it in their room, and try to convince you that you lost it somewhere because they DEFINITELY wouldn't have borrowed your shit without asking.

The only way to ensure this doesn't happen? boobie traps. Put a button or a piece of fabric on a particular spot on the floor next to your door.  If your room has hardwood floors it may be easier to remember what spot you chose by putting it next to a distinctive mark or scratch. If that button has moved from that exact spot... you will know that your personal space has been compromised.

Search for your fave top immediately!!!! or you will forget you own it and 2 months later remember that you owned it and wonder what happened to it, but guess what? it's too late, because it will already be gone, forever, and that store you bought it at? ya they no longer carry that style and no other shirt will compare to how awesome that one made your boobs look.. 


2. Do not give them your cell phone number: They will call you when they have a problem. These problems will then become your problems. Helping them will probably mean putting yourself in debt, danger, and/or ackward discomfort.  But not helping them will make you feel like a horrible person and you'll get this vision of your dad saying " take care of your little brother and sister" and you'll feel morally obligated to dish out $100 to your unemployed brother who needs to pay the insurance on his car, but bought himself a new game for his XBOX instead because that was obviously more important at the time than the insurance at the end of the month. 

3. Everything can be solved via rock paper scissors: You will find that having siblings will often  put you into life puzzles together that basic problem solving skills could fix, but seem impossible anyway. Rock, paper, scissors will always help you in these circumstances.

Here's an everyday example to illustrate the use of this magical game :

You plop down on the couch, you get a blanket and a nice  glass of cranberry juice to disguise the vodka within, your warm and content. You look for the remote.

You sister/brother is sitting on the other end of the couch. You ask them for the remote but they don't have it either, that's when you realize you left it in the kitchen while you were making your drink.  You brought the remote in there so that no one else would get to it before you sat down... you don't mention that part though, because this would mean that it's your responsibility to get up and go back into a room  that you just came from.

The home network is on, and your pretty sure you cant stomach watching people richer then you search for their dream home for more then a few minutes longer.  So who gets the remote?

Rock, paper, scissors will solve this problem.... the rules of rock, paper, scissors must go as follows:  if you win, then you do not give in to the best 2 out of 3 rule, quit while your ahead

If you loose, you must convince the other person  that " best 2 out of 3" is a mandatory rule of rock, paper, scissors and anyone who doesn't know that is a massive donkey ass. If that doesn't work pretend you like the show you've been forced to watch, and wait to see who cracks first.

4. Promises are only a means to get what they want, do not give in:  If you hear the words " but i promise.." don't fall for it,  or you will be left with an empty tank of gas when they "promised" to fill it up after using your car for the evening.They will  apologize and then "promise" to give you the money for gas when they get paid, this is another lie.  They will never give you the money for your gas, but you'll feel like a prick for asking for the 20 bucks they used up so you dont, and end up 20 bucks poorer.



5. Get to the food before your brother does: he will eat it, he will leave you with nothing but an apology, while he holds an empty plate of what was probably the best leftover dinner ever. You will then have to make a sandwich and pretend like its just as good as your grandmas lasagna. But its not is it? nope! your sandwich sucks, and so does your brother. 



6. Scare the hell out of the younger ones, they'll think you have issues and wont fuck with you.

Is the line "get out of my room" not working anymore? What about " dont blow dry your hair in my bathroom at 8 am on a saturday you ungrateful little shit,  i should have dropped  you  when i had the chance!" still no?

Try this the next time.... run into their room when their sitting there quietly, but actually run so they can hear the heavy footsteps coming their way. This works best if you have a long hallway because they'll get the full effect of a shit storm with their name on it.

Run straight into their room and up to their face, nose to nose, and yell "FUUUCKKKKKKK" then walk away.

They wont know why it happened. They will yell questions at you while you proceed to go about your day. Dont answer any of them, remain entirely silent. They will wonder if your loosing your mind, and you'll get the satisfaction of being left alone for the rest of the day.


7. Bribes work: By sticking to the above precautions and ensuring the protection of you clothes and your time, your stuff will now become sought after.

It'll be like having a real Chanel bag, everyone has a knock off but a REAL Chanel bag? how? where? when? how much!!!?? By not sharing your stuff  it will become more important,  getting to use your shit will be a special treat. Use that  to get what you want.

For example:
Don't want to clean the washroom when it is obviously your turn to do it? let them use your  new leather boots, BAM! instant pass. Do you have a brother? try throwing the favors you've done at him, you can go as far as two years back, any farther and your reaching.

If that doesn't work start making excuses based on your monthly gift. Don't be afraid to be detailed,                 example:  " pleeaaseee? im not feeling well i have the worst cramps ever, and last night i couldnt even sleep because i had to change my tampoon like every 2 hours, and now im tired and cramping up, and i feel all dirty and shit........" Their uncertainty of the pain your in, and the disgust at having to hear the word tampon, will save you from washroom cleaning duty 3 out of 5 times.

If all else fails do the "almost cry" the prospect of tears is even worse then the word tampon.


Now go forth my friends and conquer. May you now be the master in your own home.