Why i'm scared of girls

I was reading a blog post by this incredible blogger and she wrote a paragraph about how awkward she feels around girls.  As i was writing a 4 paragraph comment about how i felt the same way, i thought, ahhh what the hell why don't i just write  a blog post about it! i mean it'll help me pass the time here at work as i continue to do NOTHING and get paid for it.  So here you are, the reason why girls scare me.

Yes i know im a girl! thats why im scared of them.

I went to an all girls school for two years, and you know what? it scarred me for life. I felt like i was speaking a different language then everyone else.  i have spent the remainder of my post high school life avoiding parties, extended get togethers, and girls nights out that will involve females i have not met in elementary school ( this is true... i met all of my girl friends in grade 6 ) 



 I spent a long time thinking i was suppose to be born with a penis, but then realized that i love men.... so then i figured maybe i was suppose  be born a  gay man...... but  then i discovered that i don't like anal....... so I've decided that maybe im just suppose to be whatever madonna is.


Anyway, there is a certain crazy fever that most of us woman have. Its like a demon inside that fights for survival by eating all things simple and shitting them out complicated. Its the voice in our heads, its the devil on our shoulder..... its why sometimes we loose it on our boyfriends/fiances/husbands for what appears to be no reason, and then  2 hours later can be found watching The Notebook with a  bottle of wine in our hands ready to do the horizontal mambo (gentlemen, seriously, if you've fucked up recently go buy some wine and watch The Notebook with your girlfriend, i predict that when Ryan Gossling yells "it wasn't  over Allie, it still isn't over,"  in the rain, all sexy and passionate -like... you will get laid,  and all will be forgiven)

Having a vagina is a serious trip, and this demon inside all of us becomes stronger and more likely to be provoked when  other females are around.

Here are some of the reasons I'm pretty sure most women are crazy:

1. We will judge the new girl at the party/get together/girls night out based on what she is wearing:  Its sad that we do this but we do, and  it doesnt necessarily mean that we'll like you better if your dressed better. Infact its the oppositte. The better you dress the more inclined we are to dislike you, because no one is allowed to look hotter then we think we are,  and if you are dressed worse, then we believe you'll be nicer for some reason. Because obviously the stuck up snobs shop at Guess and the sweet down to earth girls shop at American Eagle.... its a fact... go check the ads. (i am in no way saying that American Eagle is not as nice as Guess, i just picked those two because its the best i could come up with.... so if you shop at American Eagle, don't hate me)

2. We will bottle shit up until we explode: That is a 100% true statement. If we are pissed we will ACT pissed but never actually say we ARE pissed. Because being pissed means we've been affected by something, and fuck that right? i mean only weak people are affected by shit, and i'm not affected by anything, but you should still feel like shit for whatever it is you did to piss me off, so ill treat you like shit, but never admit that im doing it because you affected me. ill make some other excuse up like im tired or hungry or whatever... and then.... when you least expect it, i will snap on you for all the things you did that affected me in the past, that i never forgave you for because i never told you about them in the first place!!!  make sense? of course it doesn't make sense!  because women are crazy! and crazy people don't make any damn sense!


3. We will talk shit about you, but still be nice to you: I dont get it, ill never get it. You know what i mean though ladies. You've heard your friends say things like,  " OMG she's always with her douchebag  boyfriend and i invited her to my bday and she didnt show and now she has no friends, and honestly i'm really pissed at her, im going to say something... oh shes calling me *rolls eyes* heyyy hun how are you! oh ya? hows steve? tell him i say hi!! miss you babe!" ya.... this happens.... a lot.  but because of what i mentioned in number 2 poor Steve's girlfriend will never know that anyone thinks she hangs out too much with her boyfriend, or why she suddenly has no friends.

4. Everything you say means something else/ we think too hard:
Women will see a red sign and think " i love red, red is a nice color, i wonder who invented the word red, i mean why are stop signs red and not green" , guys will say " oh its red, i should stop"


Women will see meaning in everything. From a text message with a simple "lol" , to how long you take to respond to our text messages,  to a smile, to how you said hello. Its like we read a novel when all we had to work with was a sentence.


But here's the kicker, if we took something you said the wrong way, you'll never know, because we wont ask you to explain it, or even tell you we're  upset about it. We will simply believe that we understood what you "really" meant, and then make a decision on whether or not we like you/ whether or not we should be pissed, based on our own assumptions and not on actual facts.


I have a whole shitload more that i could add to this list, but unfortunatley making this list is starting to cause me to be self reflective, and its difficult to talk about the things that are wrong with your gender without talking about yourself indirectly. It's also difficult to be self righteous when your talking about things that are wrong with you, so i can't go any further without making my head expload. I hope you'll all understand.

Any who, now you all know why i'm a little scared of women... i don't mean to bash on us.... i love the fact that i'm a women and all.... but lets face it, we're scary, a little? no? yes? let me know... maybe its just me whose crazy and everyone else is normal.... its possible, especially since its what Lex keeps telling me!!