Im innocent i swear

Theres a running joke in our family about my reaction to the birth of my arch nemises little bro.



"oh i remember when connie was little, she was always trying to kill Pat...hahahaha " i know, doesn't sound like family conversation, but my family has a morbid sense of humour.

I dont mind these stories so much, the problem arises when these stories come out  to people who aren't related to us, like you guys. I could imagine some of you thinking, "omg.... she tried to kill her brother? i bet she eats kittens too" and  thats the problem with telling these stories to outsiders... they believe them... they dont laugh, they look at me like im all of a sudden dangerous... like they cant believe they hadn't seen it before... of course, connie's a killer... remember the time she gave herself a mullet? somethings def. wrong with that kid.


I always laugh at these stories, knowing that they've been exaggerated for our companies entertainment, but the more and more people convince me that i was in fact trying to get rid of him, the more i grow suspicious of myself.  ive started to wonder... maybe their right, maybe i do have serial killer tendencies.... i mean i never tried to kill an animal, but i did cut worms in half for fun... but who hasn't done that!! doesn't make me crazy right? does it?

 So when my cousin decided to tell her friend the other day about the time i almost let my bro fall out of a moving van, i found myself squirming under their questioning gazes.. "I'M INNOCENT I SWEAR" i wanted to scream. But it was to late, i really couldn't explain this one...


We were probably like 4 and 5 at the time,  i was 5 Pat was 4. We were in a family van on the way to the mall.  I was in the middle of the seat, pat was on the side closest to the sliding door. He decided to open the sliding door while we sped along the highway.

Now the thing you need to know about my brother is that he is probably mildly retarted has no fear but a shit load of curiosity. If you tell the kid not to touch the oven, he needs to know why, he must put his hand on the oven to see what could happen. So i could imagine that my bro asked himself  "what happens when you open a door while driving?" i should also note that we were not wearing seat belts, it just gives the story more suspense and shit. Anyways, when he opened the door something like this happened

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHFUUUCKKKKOHSHIT CLOSETHEDOORCLOSETHEDOORCONNNIIEEEECLOSETHEDOOR"


I froze. I cant remember who closed the door or what we did after,  i just remember my cousin saying          " CONNIE TRIED TO KILL HIM, did you see that mom, she just watched him almost fly out of the van!"

her mom turned to me with a suspicious eye and said " noo, connie wouldn't do that, you were just scared right hun? you wouldn't do that would you?"

You know that questioning stare parents give kids sometimes.. that,  " oh shit, your one of those kids aren't you!!??"

growing up i got that stare a lot, apparently wanting to read instead of playing power rangers put me in the category of "quiet creepy kid"...ummm.. HELLO,  im pretty sure the kids jumping in the air screaming different powers at each other are the crazy ones... just sayin.

Anyways, the point is that ive been misunderstood! I didnt want the little guy to go flying out of a van, i just froze, and why in gods name did he open the door in the first place!!! not my fault the kids suicidal.

And that time i pushed him down the stairs? i was just testing out a theory is all! the question was "could he go down a flight of stairs in a laundry basket without flipping over?" and you know what.. he cant... actually, but how was i to know that without testing it!

Okay and that time when they caught me holding him  up to a window sill after throwing his stuff out of the window?  I just figured he cried so much because he wanted to go back  to wherever he came from! the baby was a mystery to me, for all i knew it could sprout wings and fly to safety! Plus i didnt throw him now did i?! nope he's def. still alive!


anyways hopefully you guys believe me when i say im not crazy... and if you instead fear for my bro's life dont worry about it.. he's like 5'9 now... i mean really the only way i could take him out now is to put a mild sedative in his food,  not that ive thought about how to take him out, im just demonstrating how impossible it would be to do it without getting caught..................... ya i should probably not post this one.