The Unemployement Files: My updated resume

As you know I'm out of a job


This was me on Tuesday, my first week unemployed

I know... hot right?

annnndddd today

Thats right guys, my sexy secretary outfit is on and im ready to hand out some resumes, instead of wearing my robe all day and watching black and white movies.

Speaking of which,   i've begun to wonder if there is ever going to be an occasion for me to wear a totally overachieving hat  and have men stand when i leave from the dinner table. *sigh* no but seriously though.... i want to be a working woman and all but since when did that revoke my "Lady" status?! Sure, anything a man can do i can probably do just as well, but i still have a vagina!!!  so all of you out there with a penis better open a door for me dammit! That's right my vagina is like a door pass, its not that i can't open it myself.... its just that.... well... i dont fucking want to. is that cool with everyone? can i set us all back a few decades and just not open any doors? kay awesome! OH i also don't like swearing.... unless I'm the one doing it.... cuz i already know that I'm not actually a lady... but for all you know i could be a fucking duchess.... so no swearing. That's all I'm asking for people, open a door and clean up the language! i still want to vote.

anyway i digress...

So I'm ready to get back out there and look for a job, not that sitting on my ass all day long with absolutely nothing to do hasn't been a dream come true, but i've been getting restless. Ive been coming up with things to do to keep me busy but i'm pretty sure my dogs  tired of me trying to sit on her while yelling MOOSH. WHAT? shes a husky!! i figured it was in   her blood or something! needless to say she has resorted to avoiding me and giving me this " bitch get a job!" look. So i obliged, got dressed, and went hunting.

As i read over my resume i felt under qualified to even be looking for a junior marketing position. The thing is, I'm extremely good at bullshitting.... i pretty much tricked all  my bosses into believing I'm a hard worker... that i have loads of experience doing all the things i put on my resume, but when i think back to my past employment experiences i don't see the work i put in.... i see what actually happened. Below is my employment experience, the red is how i remember it.

CONNIE MARASCO

1234 awesome avenue 

1-800-moneymoneymoney

Shoeless Joes                                                                                         October 2002 - May 2005

Waitress

- Served customers in Dinning Area. Convinced bartender that i was 19 so she would serve me liquor. Convinced the university boy that looked like pacey from Dawsons Creek that i was 20 so he would buy me tequila.....

- Served and cleaned Bar area. Dropped a tray of beer after getting hit in the face with a swinging door, all because pacey look alike was walking towards me in slow mow as wind blew through his hair, and said " hey beautiful, i like your braces,  can i get your number"........ but he said like  " is the hockey game on in the bar?" i knew what he meant though.

- Decorated desserts. Almost killed some poor lady by giving her a cake with peanuts in it right after she told me she was deathly allergic.... She gave me a 1 penny tip and a death stare that would have made the Queen shit herself in public.

Canadian Tire                                                                                   May 2005 - December 2007

Cashier

- Provided customer service. Literally ran away from customers when they asked for help... also may have told some big Russian man the following " I don't give a shit if you ever shop here again, cuz guess what? i get paid $7.75/hr to take this shit, and if you don't come back tomorrow I'm still going to be here, still getting paid 7.75 to stand here and act like i care."  it was the quickest come back i have ever come up with, but  the man didn't speak much English so I'm the only one who was impressed.

- Helped sell merchandise for charity events. Gave away free stuff to friends and family.  

- Counted till at the end of each shift to ensure all money was accounted for. I was never even..... because no matter how long i wear these glasses for, i still cant figure out what to do when someone says " oh wait i have a quarter" so!? WHAT DOES THIS QUARTER DO!!! what does it mean!!!! Do i subtract the quarter from what the computer tells me to give you? or do i add the quarter..or better yet do i stand here as my cheeks burn red and pretend like I'm calculating it in my head until you just tell me what I'm suppose to give you?  

Axio Product                                                                                   December 2007 - March 2010

Marketing Manager/ Accounts Recievable/ HR

- Completed essay's, studied for exams, creeped ex boyfriend on facebook. I would write what my resume says buuuttt its an intricate web of bullshit and big words that are meant to confuse and disorient... i fell asleep writing it.

Print Company                                                                                 March 2010 - January 2011

 Marketing Coordinator

- Trade show organization.  Blogged

- Company literature updates. Blogged

- Copy edits for manuals/brochures/ and advertisement material. Blogged

So really im hoping that my outfit will throw someone off, and i can get a job based on my genius glasses.

Wish me luck out there guys.

P.S.... I GOT TWITTER!!! yes im yelling at you! come add me kay? Im lonley over there in twitter world!!! (insert pouty face here... the pouty face gets em every time!)

http://twitter.com/TheGirlDNSD